Emotionally that is. I need a vacation from my head. Lately, with all of the changes I’ve been trying to remind myself to breathe and stay present, because thinking about all of the what-ifs is exactly what has gotten me into trouble in the past. I don’t think it helps that I grew up in Vermont and all of my coping mechanisms for dealing with stress were formed there. That means that there was always plenty of empty space to be found where I could go and be all alone. No other people, not much other sound. Even in the dead of winter, if it came down to it I could get all bundled up and put myself in the middle of the snowy woods. In the summer, it was no big thing to just get up and walk outside and clear my head. Or, if all else failed, I could get into my car and drive around for half an hour blasting some music that matched my mood. And yes I KNOW that wasn’t the most environmentally friendly option. None of those options really exist for me now.
The first time I came to Nicaragua I remember spending some time on the phone with my Dad saying the very same thing – how can I get my mind quiet in order to be able to deal with all this stuff that’s stressing me out when I can’t make the rest of the world quiet down around me? Going for a walk here is the opposite of helpful. Aside from the heat, you’ve got all of the taxis honking for your attention and all of the men making their colorful comments, and all the while you have to be aware of who and what is around you so that you don’t end up in a place that you shouldn’t be. Needless to say, that is not a very relaxing option.
The good thing, is that I am in a MUCH better place to be able to get quiet in my house. Seeing as how there aren’t always strangers asking me questions about Managua and Nicaragua and crime and communism and health and food and ANYTHING else. But lately, for reasons likely related to all of the struggles around getting internet, and general stress of adapting to a new environment and living conditions, the house hasn’t been as much of a positive space as I had hoped it would be. I’m doing my best to keep the negative or sarcastic comments and thoughts to a minimum, but it’s funny how you can get swept up in the attitudes of others. That’s no real excuse of course, but it is something I need to be more aware of and something that I need to work on.
No matter what you do though…I think I am coming to the conclusion that eventually…somewhere down the road, I need to be in a place with more immediate access to nature. Managua is somewhat the antithesis of where I grew up, and it is teaching me so many things. One of those things being that I can’t live in a crazy city forever. For a while, yes. And I’ve still got a lot to learn from this place I’m sure. So, that’s where my head is right now. Wish I could take a bubble bath. With cool water.
I agree with you on needing space to clear your head. Often I feel like I am never alone. Even when I am in my apartment, there are 100′s of other apartments all around, the metro flying by and the traffic on 355. I miss being in a more peaceful place, where you can walk outside be at peace.