Being Worn Out March 15, 2010

Emotionally that is.  I need a vacation from my head.  Lately, with all of the changes I’ve been trying to remind myself to breathe and stay present, because thinking about all of the what-ifs is exactly what has gotten me into trouble in the past.  I don’t think it helps that I grew up in Vermont and all of my coping mechanisms for dealing with stress were formed there.  That means that there was always plenty of empty space to be found where I could go and be all alone.  No other people, not much other sound.  Even in the dead of winter, if it came down to it I could get all bundled up and put myself in the middle of the snowy woods.  In the summer, it was no big thing to just get up and walk outside and clear my head.  Or, if all else failed, I could get into my car and drive  around for half an hour blasting some music that matched my mood.  And yes I KNOW that wasn’t the most environmentally friendly option.  None of those options really exist for me now.

The first time I came to Nicaragua I remember spending some time on the phone with my Dad saying the very same thing – how can I get my mind quiet in order to be able to deal with all this stuff that’s stressing me out when I can’t make the rest of the world quiet down around me?  Going for a walk here is the opposite of helpful.  Aside from the heat, you’ve got all of the taxis honking for your attention and all of the men making their colorful comments, and all the while you have to be aware of who and what is around you so that you don’t end up in a place that you shouldn’t be.  Needless to say, that is not a very relaxing option.

The good thing, is that I am in a MUCH better place to be able to get quiet in my house.  Seeing as how there aren’t always strangers asking me questions about Managua and Nicaragua and crime and communism and health and food and ANYTHING else.  But lately, for reasons likely related to all of the struggles around getting internet, and general stress of adapting to a new environment and living conditions, the house hasn’t been as much of a positive space as I had hoped it would be.  I’m doing my best to keep the negative or sarcastic comments and thoughts to a minimum, but it’s funny how you can get swept up in the attitudes of others.  That’s no real excuse of course, but it is something I need to be more aware of and something that I need to work on.

No matter what you do though…I think I am coming to the conclusion that eventually…somewhere down the road, I need to be in a place with more immediate access to nature.  Managua is somewhat the antithesis of where I grew up, and it is teaching me so many things.  One of those things being that I can’t live in a crazy city forever.  For a while, yes.  And I’ve still got a lot to learn from this place I’m sure.  So, that’s where my head is right now.  Wish I could take a bubble bath. With cool water.

Waiiiiting….waaaaiiiiitiiiing some more… March 10, 2010

One of my all time life lessons yet to be learned is how to have patience. There were moments from my childhood that I remember very distinctly when my parents would suggest that we go to a movie or we go out to dinner, and then something would come up and the plans would be cancelled or postponed til another day. I’m not terribly proud when I think about my reactions to this news – because most commonly it would be some kind of tantrum or there would be tears or at the very least a silent little rage. I have learned how to deal with disappointment a bit more maturely as I’ve gotten older, but I still sometimes feel those moments of intense disappointment and impatience. This is all coming up again as I wait for the damned internet people to show up and connect me to the world again.

Last Thursday, we finally handed in all our papers with all of the necessary signatures to the Claro people, and they told us confidently that we should have our router and connection all set within 48 hours. Tomorrow will be a week. We’ve called pretty much every day to speak to some one to make sure everything was on track and then to complain about the delay. And as you can imagine, it’s always the same response “oh you should have it by this afternoon”. This afternoon comes and goes, and then it’s this evening, at which point we cannot contact anyone in the office until the following morning. I was already impatient by Sunday when I had to do my lesson planning in Luis’ grandmother’s house and in the café (which isn’t so free). I will say at this point that I am aware that I am probably a little too dependent on the internet to make my life go smoothly, and I also know that I can in fact survive without it, so this is not going to kill me, even if I have to wait another month. However, it is true that my lifestyle has evolved to include the internet in many unexpected ways. For example – I don’t own cookbooks, because in my experience, all I have to do is bring the computer into the kitchen and look up a recipe or a measurement conversion or skype one of my parents to find out the answer to any culinary questions. I have in the last week found myself completely stumped in the kitchen without human resources, technology, nor even an old-fashioned cookbook to help. I am also accustomed to going to google for photos or definitions of words which either Luis or I don’t know. And last night, when we three (Heather included) got into a heated debate about Nicaraguan urban health and food legends, we were just spitting out opinions, and I couldn’t turn to the internet to resolve the conflict. Frustrating to say the least.

But perhaps the most frustrating part is that it isn’t as if they are making an appointment and then not showing up. In the states you ask for some one to come to your house to connect your internet or cable and you make an appointment with the company to send some one at a time that works for you. What a dream! Here they say “they might come some time in the afternoon”… “When exactly?”… “In the afternoon”… “And what happens if I am not at home at that moment?”… “We will come back”. Oh yes, I’m sure you will. In a week. What this means is that we’ve had to have some one waiting all damn day in the house in case they decide to come. I wouldn’t ask Heather to do this, since she doesn’t have her computer here right now and won’t be using the internet until after Semana Santa anyway. And Luis has had to go to interviews and driving exams and all number of other shenanigans. Which mean yours truly is sitting around twiddling her thumbs without internet or cable to entertain her, whilst waiting (im)patiently for some one who may or may not arrive at any time. It’s like camping. Without the swimming, the smores, or the other people to talk to. There are plenty of mosquitoes, however. I’ve been reading to pass the time. And this blog entry is being written on my computer from home so that when I go to school this afternoon and connect to the internet I can copy and paste. WAAAAAAAA!!!!!! CLARO!!! FOR EL AMOR DE GOD!!!!!

The Heat Makes Me Tired March 3, 2010

Been in the house now about 3 days.  It’s been really nice not to have to worry about what time I wake up (but waking up early nonetheless because of the sun/trash collectors/internet guy), or when I come in or out.  And if some one calls at the gate saying “BUENAS!” I don’t have to answer it because I know no one is looking for me or a guest or my boss, that I can in fact be certain that they will just be asking for food or money.  Which, by the way, does make me feel bad – but after having given food out once I learned that it doesnt do anything to help in the long run (obviously) and that it just means that that person and perhaps their friends will come back every day after that until you disappear.  I learned that lesson the hard way.

Anyway. I am currently at the cafe down the street and around the corner – taking advantage of the air conditioning and free internet.  We called the internet people yesterday and they stopped by at 8 a.m. today with a contract (for our landlord to sign) that we have to return, and upon receipt of the contract, we will have to wait up to 48 hours to receive the router and for the service to be activated.  So, if all goes well, by Saturday we should have internet.  I hope.  Maybe.  Even though things don’t always work out as we might hope, and delays are the norm here.

Last night I watched “Rescue Me” dubbed in Spanish.  Two nights ago we watched 3:10 to Yuma also dubbed in Spanish.  Because we have an ancient tv with bunny ears which gets two local stations.  Some day we might just get cable.  In the future.  That would be 87 channels of pure joy.  But for now, we are more focused on the internet.  At least I am.

Today I swept the house and mopped the floors.  And then it got really hot. Again.  Which is also why I came to the cafe right now.  Because air conditioning is helping me to survive right now.  Which is sort of funny, because I have been thinking about this girl from Middlebury who wrote me an email a while back asking about life and study in Managua, because she had been considering doing a study abroad program here.  In the spring.  She said she had heard from friends and relatives that the city doesnt really feel  like a city because it doesnt have a center and and is super sprawled out.  They also told her that it is oppressively hot.  A couple months ago I responded, never having experienced the real spring heat leading up to Semana Santa.  I gave an honest response – that is gets really hot and usually you just don’t think about it – you sweat and that’s life, but mostly you don’t notice – unless you are out walking under the sun and midday.  But recently there have been moments when I started to feel physically ill because of the heat.  Which is partly my fault for not drinking enough water.  And it’s only going to get hotter until after semana santa.  So.  Hopefully she won’t ask for an update on that.

Aside from making me sweat or feel nauseous, it also makes me really tired.  If I walk to the store and back in the afternoon I feel like I need a long nap.  Yesterday Luis and I went to the grocery store and again spent like an hour in the a/c before we had the energy to walk back home.  But at night it cools down just fine.  Plus, if you’ve looked at the pictures of our room, you will see that there is lots of lights, three windows, and cracks in the hall, which make for MUCH more ventilation than in the old Quaker House room.  In fact, the first night I ended up sleeping under 2 SHEETS! 2! But that was a fluke. A nice fluke.  Any way you look at it, I can bear to be in the room at the height of the afternoon heat, which was becoming impossible in Q. House.

AAAAAAAAAAhhhhh!!!! Okay. My battery is going to die soon, so I’ve got to close up shop.  Back by Saturday (hope)!